Soaking up some Colorado culture

Just returned home after a glorious poker-free, TV-free week of vacation in Colorado. I'm always fascinated by the United States, so I figured I'd share a few observations.

-- The first face I saw when I stepped off the plane in Denver was John Elway's. The legendary Broncos quarterback was on a billboard, hawking some product or another. But as my Colorado stay progressed, it became clear to me that the entire state has fallen in love with another QB - Tim Tebow (pictured right). The former Florida Gators superstar - a first-round pick by the Broncos a couple months back - was everywhere. At a closet-sized sports store in the airport, Tebow's No. 15 was the only Broncos jersey available. I ran into a man wearing a Tebow jersey while hiking up a 12,000-foot peak at the Continental Divide. And let's not even start on the blanket Tebow coverage in the media, both locally and nationally.
The thing is, it's likely going to be a while until we see what Tebow can do in the NFL. With incumbent QB Kyle Orton inking a one-year contract extension last week that will keep him in Broncos silks through 2011, Tebow's first legitimate shot at the starting job won't likely come until 2012. But that's good news for Tebow - he's regarded as a work in progress, and will need time to develop. Whether Broncos fans are willing to be so patient is another matter.

-- The major reason for my trip to Colorado was to attend my cousin's wedding. She was married at the Stanley Hotel, a historic building in Estes Park, about an hour and a half north of Denver. The coolest thing about the place, to me, is that it is linked closely to The Shining, the Steven King book that became a classic film directed by Stanley Kubrick. According to Wikipedia, King once stayed at the Stanley, which inspired him to write The Shining. Scenes for the mini-series version of the book were filmed at the hotel, though it was not used for Kubrick's cinematic version. Channel 42 on all guest room televisions at the Stanley shows the Kubrick movie on a continuous loop. How cool is that? All the place was missing was a hedge maze.
-- On our way to hiking at the Continental Divide, we drove through Black Hawk and Central City - former Colorado gold rush towns which are the only municipalities in the state where gambling is currently legal. Thus, casinos dominate the square footage in these towns. It feels like they're practically stacked on top of each other.
The thing that got me chuckling was a banner on one of the casinos that advertised "THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN TOWN!" The ad went on to state that the casino paid out 99.485 per cent (or thereabouts, my memory isn't perfect) of the money that people fed into its slot machines. It completely slayed me that a casino would lay out its larcenous business plan in such brazen detail - "We intend to bleed the cash out of your wallet, slowly but surely!" And the genius of it was that they made it look like they were doing people a favour - "We could be taking even more of your money!" Seems to me, the only smart people involved with slot machines are the people running them.

-- I had a couple of interesting political conversations with Americans. First of all, everyone I talked to seems to believe Barack Obama is intent on driving the U.S. economy into the ground. The main worry is that Obama's business taxation plans will crush an already fragile economy. Take that for what it's worth - I was mainly speaking with Republicans. But at the very least, it does offer an interesting counterpoint to the optimistic portrayal of Obama in the Canadian media. Which is, in a nutshell, "At least he's not George W. Bush. And he seems cool."
Beyond that, I had a fascinating exchange with a man who casually ripped the Canadian medical system during an anti-Obama vent session. The president's medicare plan, he argued, is inherently flawed because it's modeled after the Canadian system. "Everyone who wants to get a surgery done goes down to the States and pays for it," he said smugly. The fact I'm Canadian was not lost on him.
Point taken. We have issues with surgery wait times in Canada. But no more than 15 minutes later, the same guy told a story about a car accident he was involved in. Basically, another vehicle pulled in front of him, and the driver slammed on the brakes to intentionally cause an accident. Turned out, the brake-slammer had a pre-existing medical condition that required a hip replacement. Not having $90,000 to pay for the surgery, he caused the car accident and sued the other driver - and settled out of court with the insurance provider for $140,000.
Aside from the fact that this lawsuit scheme is utterly insidious, it occurred to me that if the hip-replacement dude had Canadian-style medical coverage, he would not have needed to cause a car accident to raise funds. He may have had to sit on a waitlist for a few months, but he would have gotten his surgery. So you tell me - which system is better?
-- On the plane back home, I was somewhat surprised when the 20-something gentleman seated next to me ordered a jack and coke. Before noon. Kind of odd. Then I looked over and noticed he was reading "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max - a New York Times bestseller that is more or less a how-to guide for womanizing drunks. Suddenly, it all made sense to me. I was grateful to be seated between this guy and my wife.
-- One of the underrated joys of returning from vacation is seeing what wonders have accumulated on the PVR over the course of a week. I've already watched the latest episode of Mad Men (one of the best episodes ever, utterly incendiary), and I'm looking forward to devouring a couple of new WSOP episodes. It's good to be home.

What's a hipster doofus?

Some of you might be wondering what the deal is with the title of this blog. I shall tell you.
"Hipster doofus" is a reference from Seinfeld, the greatest sitcom of all time. As I recall, somebody used the term to refer to Kramer, who took offence to the label in a hilarious way. For some reason that quote just lodged itself in my brain and I started using it in conversation. I can proudly say that I've introduced "hipster doofus" into the vernacular of my circle of friends and co-workers.

(Trivia: A bit of internet research seems to indicate that the hipster doofus line was from the episode "The Handicap Spot" from Season 4. Apparently series co-creator Larry David lifted the line from an unfavourable review of the show, which described Kramer with the same term. Take that info with a grain of salt - it is the internet).
Originally, my friend Matt and I used "hipster doofus" to refer to people who take their coolness very seriously. They listen to bands you've never heard of and watch art-house movies nobody's ever seen before. They cultivate their coolness. They work hard at it. They're pretentious about it.
Urbandictionary.com had a pretty solid definition for hipster doofus: "Someone who has taken being hip and unique to an extreme and therefore worn the 'cool' out of the hip."
That pretty much sums it up. So now you know.
The ironic thing is, I actually have a few hipster-doofus tendencies myself. I own a record player and a decent collection of rock classics (Springsteen, Joni Mitchell, Fleetwood Mac, John Lennon) on vinyl. I enjoy some indie bands. And I like to feel superior about my taste in movies.
But I hope I don't go too far down the hipster doofus rabbit trail. I don't aspire to be pretentious, for starters. And it seems to me that in this era, people tend to define themselves by what they like as opposed to who they are. I want to be more concerned with my character.
But if I happen to catch a few deadly movies along the way, so be it.

A devastating beat

I just came within a whisker of a monster score.
If my tear ducts worked, I would be crying as I typed this. I just finished 13th out of 1,213 players in a $20 multi-table tournament, and I exited in the most devastating fashion.
We'll start from the beginnning. This morning I bought into three MTTs: a $10 turbo, a deep-stack $10, and a standard-speed $20. I wasn't able to get anything going in the turbo, and I busted out of the deep-stack event a couple hours in when I flopped bottom set against my opponent's top set. Nothing you can do about that.
But I made a monster run in the $20, which had a guaranteed prize pool of $20,000. I just played real solid, disciplined poker and steadily built my stack.
With about 250 players left, I was in fifth place with around 30k, but at that point I lost a pot that would have given me the chip lead. A middle-position player made a small raise, and was called in three spots before it got to me in the big blind with JJ. I made a nice reraise, and the original raiser thought for quite a while before shipping all in. Everyone else folded, and I had great odds to call. He had AK, and I was safe through the flop and turn before a king appeared on the river. Dang.
I grinded my stack back up, only to fall back to 20k when my AQ lost to a short stack's A9, all in preflop. But 20k was the average when the money bubble burst with 180 players left, so I was content to ride it out and avoid confrontations.
At that point, I simply went card dead and pretty much didn't play a hand for an hour. I did make one nice hero call to maintain a playable stack. A player in the cutoff raised, and I flat-called on the button with 88. The big blind called as well, and we saw a flop of 643, two clubs. It was checked around to me, and I bet about two-thirds the pot. The BB folded, but the original raiser reraised all in. I just felt like he was full of crap. He'd been stealing preflop, and I figured he put me on two big cards that had missed the flop. I called off my stack, and he had Q4 offsuit. Booya. I managed to dodge his five outs to double to about 60k.
With about 50 players left and the blinds at 2000-4000, I was basically treading water at 60k (15xBB) when I finally picked up a couple hands. The new player to my right had been raising every second pot, and when he min-raised in the cutoff, I shipped with AdQd on the button. He called with 56 offsuit (?!?!?!), and I was fortunate enough to flop a queen. Two hands later, I had KK and found a customer who called a nice big bet on the flop before folding the turn. All of a sudden, I had 170k.
My stack probably peaked around 190k, and I cruised through to the final two tables. There was this Russian dude a couple seats to my right who was extremely aggressive preflop. I pretty much stayed out of his way, except for one pot where I made a nice resteal out of the small blind.
Anyway, that brings us to our crucial hand. We were six-handed at my table when the pesky Russian raised under the gun. I was ecstatic because I had AA on the button. I reraised, he called, and we saw a flop of KQ3. The pot was around 100k at this point. He checked, and I bet about half the pot, leaving myself 50k behind. He reraised all in, I called, and he showed QJ offsuit. What a donkey. The turn was safe, but he rivered a third queen to bust me in 13th place, good for $182. Unlucky freaking 13.
Did I mention first place was $4,300, which would have been the biggest score of my fledgling poker career? And that the pot I lost contained 331k, which would have put me in fifth place when they got down to the final table? What a spot that would have been. Even sixth place paid a grand. Talk about a brutal beat.
The good news is, the Saskatchewan Roughriders crushed the B.C. Lions in CFL action last night. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.
What's also clear is, these MTTs have great potential for profit for me. To recap, I've had recent finishes of 37th out of 1,551 players; 3rd out of 228; and 13th out of 1,213. I am going to win one of these. It's only a matter of time. I just need my aces to hold up ONE TIME!
For the time being, though, I need to take a breather from poker. I need a mental break to get my confidence back in the sit-n-gos, and to be honest, I'm just a little bit tired of cards right now.
Bankroll = $5,150

Finally, a nice score

I should warn you, this post is long-winded and chock full of poker nerd content.
If you're a faithful reader of this blog (meaning my wife and a couple of my buddies), you may be wondering where I've been all week. Losing money playing on PokerStars, that's where I've been. And too frustrated to type anything about it.
Let's rewind to about seven days ago. I was contemplating my wildy successful month of July (+$1,300), patting myself on the back and such, when I had a reality check. I realized that in order to make my poker pipe dream a reality, I need to be making more cheddar. Specifically, I figured that if I were to earn $1,300 a month, it would take me about 28 years to earn enough money to pay off my mortgage. At which point it would be nearly paid of anyway.
The upshot is, I need to either a) move up to higher sit-n-go stakes; or b) make some big scores in multi-table tournaments.
To be honest, I'd never really checked what PokerStars had to offer in terms of multi-table tournaments (MTTs). I pretty much just stuck to what they offered under the sit-n-go tab. And for the most part, that was fine. It's a time issue for me - I don't often have five-to-eight hours to play a huge MTT.
But last week, I had a bit of time on Thursday evening/Friday morning, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that PokerStars has an awesome array of MTTs. They're at a wide variety of buy-ins, starting every 15 minutes or so, and they guarantee large fields by offering guaranteed prize pools.
The thing with massive-field MTTs is, the variance is just huge. Whereas my raw odds are one in three to cash in a single-table SNG, they're more like one in 1,000 (or worse) in a massive field.
Thus, it was no surprise that I blew off a couple hundred bucks' worth of my bankroll chasing a big score. I threw away a couple of early MTT buy-ins, as I learned I needed to discard some of the over-aggressive strategies that I employ in sit-n-gos.
The problem, as far as bankroll management, was that I was still mired in a SNG slump in the meantime. Add it all up, and I was on a $500 downswing.
My multi-table foray wasn't without deep runs. I made a min-cash in a huge turbo tournament, and I was really deep in a $10 standard-speed tournament when disaster struck. For background, you need to understand that this tourney had 1,551 starters and a $2,700 first-place prize. We were inside of 40 players, and I had a slightly below average but playable stack of about 20 big blinds. Just a couple of minutes before the four-hour break, I was dealt AA in the big blind. The player on the button shipped 10xBB, I snap-called, and he showed JT offsuit. Flop 783, turn 9, and river was inconsequential as he made the nut straight. Frickin' awful. I busted a couple hands later to end up 37th. My payout? 27 freaking bucks - also known as one per cent of first-place money.
The long odds notwithstanding, I felt I had a truly deep run in me - like a final table. So on Thursday evening I gave it one more go, and struck paydirt in a $30 MTT with a $4,000 guaranteed prize pool. 228 players started, and I ended up finishing third for exactly $772.92.
I played real solid early on and steadily built my stack. In the middle stages, I ended up getting a key double-up holding KK vs. KQ, with all the money going in on a queen-high flop. Hard to find a better spot than that.
I cruised through the money bubble (at 36 players), but I had to get real lucky a couple times once we got down to two tables. At one point, a late-position player limped into the pot, and I had A6 in the small blind. Sensing weakness, I shipped it for about 12xBB, and was snap-called by AK. Now, I realize I got my money in horrendously in this spot, but I have no idea why anyone would slowplay AK. At any rate, I rivered a six to knock out my opponent, whom I had covered by a few bucks.
Later on, with 10 players left, I shipped all in with AdQd after a mid-position raise I thought was suspect. Unfortunately for me, the big blind woke up with AK. Unfortunately for him, I paired my queen on the flop and turned trips.
That got us down to the final table, and I was second in chips with about 62k. Average was 38k, and I was determined to just play snug and avoid the mistakes that derailed me at my last MTT final table (see the Aug. 2 post). For the most part, I succeeded at that. My stack had some minor fluctuations, but I was able to make it to three-handed with about 65k. I grinded it back up to 80k, with blinds at 1250-2500, when I met my demise. Holding AQo in the big blind, I shipped over the top of a button raise. The button called with 88, and the flop came 877 - disaster, game over.
My payout was about $700 shy of first-place money, but I was really happy with how I navigated the final table. I gave myself a good chance to win, and I've managed to get back in the black for the month of August.
I am of the belief that I could use a poker break - my SNG slump is a big concern - but I'll spend $60 or so on MTT buy-ins on Friday morning before I relax.
Bankroll = $5,000

Poker is a brutal game

I don't even know how to summarize the last three days' worth of online poker grinding without sounding like a donkey. Maybe that's exactly what I am.
So here's the raw, unvarnished truth. I began the month of August on a modest $100 upswing, which I promptly liquidated with a $500 downswing.
(Spoiler alert: This story has a happy ending. No, not that kind. Get your mind out of the gutter.)
What does a $500 downswing look like? Try not cashing in NINE single-table sit-n-gos in a row. Five of those were $50 buy-ins, and the last one was a $100 buy-in, which I'd never played before on PokerStars. Sometimes trying to recoup all your losses in one fell swoop isn't the best idea.

In evaluating my play, I can honestly say I was playing pretty well for at least six or seven of the nine SNGs. I ran horrendously bad all the way through - I probably lost about 80 per cent of my coin flips, which is just a function of the cruel variance of poker. If that's an exaggeration, I can say for certain that I didn't win a single flip in a crucial spot, ie. the money bubble.
I was pretty happy with my play at the start of my brutal run, but as the losses piled up, I started to tilt a little bit. I probably gave away two or three tournaments in the middle. Towards the end I was focused again, but the deck just seemed to hate me. One tournament, I busted holding AK vs. KJ, all in preflop. In the $100 SNG, I put myself in a great position to win. I got my stack up to 3800 with four players left, but busted with a string of rough beats on the money bubble.
(Here's the part where things start to turn around.)
On Tuesday evening, mentally bruised and battered, I decided to enter one of those 180-player, $10 turbo SNGs. I don't play those very often - they're fun to play, for sure, but the uber-aggressive blind structure can tend to throw off my rhythm for regular tournaments. I figured changing things up couldn't hurt at this point - plus, it offered an opportunity to win all my money back with minimal investment.
I ended up finishing second for $398, which put my bankroll right back to where it was at the start of the month. Talk about craziness. These turbo tournaments basically amount to a run-good contest, and I managed to finally find some luck. Maybe the PokerStars software felt guilty after hoovering all that cash out of my bankroll.
Whatever the case, I'm pleased to be back on level ground. I'd like to get back to gradually grinding my bankroll upward, rather than riding this rollercoaster.
Lest everyone get the impression I'm an incorrigible donkey, I've posted my earnings graph (courtesy of sharkscope.com) to remind everyone (and myself) that I can play this game.
Bankroll = $4,800

Best. Month. Ever.

Good news first. Poker-wise, the month of July was my most profitable since I began playing sit-n-gos in the $20-$50 neighbourhood. I made $1,300 - running pretty well, playing pretty well - to exceed the grand I made back in November.
I'm glad to be back on track, particularly coming off my first losing month (June). Maybe there's something to this blogging thing. I think it helps me to keep my head straight.
The bit of "bad" news is, July could have been even better. On Friday, I played a 180-player SNG with a $20 buy-in. These ones come together so rarely - at least, the non-turbo variety. The 180-player turbos come together all the time, and they're pretty fun, but the longer blind levels set up better for my game.
At any rate, I ended up final-tabling this tournament, finishing seventh for $128. I was a little pissed off, though, because I was third in chips with nine players left, with 35 big blinds in my stack. I lost the very first hand at the final table - holding KQ on Kxx flop, I bet out, and called a reraise. The turn was an ace, we checked it down, and my opponent had A4 offsuit. Are you kidding me. Then I gave away half my stack on a botched blind-steal that grew into a three-barrel bluff. Eventually I ended up shipping light in late position, called in two places, and busted.
A big disappointment, because first place was $1,080. Live and learn, I guess. If I had simply folded the pivotal hand instead of going for the blind-steal, I would have made an even deeper run.
Of course, if you'd told me when the tournament started that I'd finish seventh out of 180, I would have been exceedingly happy.
Bankroll = $4,800